Miracle Drug Solves Everything

The need to worry (or panic) is over

by Steve Cook

Genetic scientists announced today that they have solved all the world’s problems.

The shock news was released this morning by Secretary of State for Mutant Affairs and Extinction Management, Jane Fibbs, as she triumphantly addressed the world via subliminal messages democratically imbedded into popular TV programs such as Rishi Sunak’s Cabinet Nightmares and Spot the Celebrity Brain.

She declared that, “The need for anyone to illegally doubt this government ever again is well and truly over thanks to the latest miracle breakthrough by researchers at the famous top secret Frankenstein Institute in Apocalypse, Missouri.”

This news comes as something of a surprise to dissident factions such as voters, the middle classes, the working classes and other ungrateful minorities who were convinced that geneticists had given them strange lumps, breathing difficulties and other unwanted irritations such as the New World Order.

But everybody’s troubles are now, probably, over and we can all look forward to a new Golden Age of Nothing Bad Ever Happening Again, thanks to the Frankenstein Institute’s $4,000 billion four-month research program.

Code-named Project Completely Sensible, researchers engaged in an ambitious search for the solution to two of the world’s major problems: (1) a shortage of elbow room on an over-populated planet and (2) a shortage of money in the under-funded bank accounts of shareholders of the Frankenstein Institute (Bill and Melinda Foundation, George Psychos, Klaus Nazi, the Help an Aged Oligarch Fund etc).

The solution that the Institute’s dedicated team have come up with is widely reputed by experts all across the Frankenstein Institute to be so complete and fool-proof and without any known side-effects or consequences whatsoever that neither the government nor the pharmaceutical industry need worry.

This is so much the case that anyone who enters any negativity into the proceedings by writing sarcastic articles or scathing Facebook posts about it it will immediately be arrested by an elite squad of environmentally-friendly Green Berets, locked up in a psychiatric institution and have their brain re-wired with drugs.

Ms Fibbs silenced those who  insist that such treatment is a tad harsh, with the retort:  “No, it isn’t.”

She then went on to explain that in any case, harboring doubts about your democratically elected dictatorship is now illegal and those who insist that people have constitutional rights are reminded that, no they don’t.

The Constitution was abolished last Tuesday by the Democratic Committee for the Abolition of the Constitution when it was proved beyond doubt by a press release from the office of the President that its content was largely seditious and ran contrary to the inalienable right of multinational corporations to be unconstitutional and/or wreck the planet.

There will probably be a subliminal implant announcing this minor constitutional adjustment next year.

The President himself, speaking at the launch of the National Big Brother competition - in which the lives of all citizens will be secretly televised to an audience of Homeland Security specialists - took pause to congratulate the Frankenstein Institute for its “sterling work.”

President Stalin is renowned for being the world’s first cloned President and was genetically engineered in a laboratory in Zimbabwe to have no common sense.

He went on to say, “There are those who assert that the answer to the chaos and inefficiency that has made an under-populated and scarcely developed planet appear overcrowded is to run things better and stop being stupid. But we say there is no need to go to such extremist lengths when we have at our disposal the means to tinker recklessly with genes.”

And he added, “The Frankensteins have shown us the way forward. The answer to a world that appears small is to make human beings even smaller!”

He was alluding of course to the fact that the technological means to achieve the age-old dream of making human beings very small has arrived in the form of the “Lilliput Drug.”

Scientists noted that human beings, especially in America, have been getting larger and larger and predicted that by the year 2100 the average American male will be over 20 feet tall and almost as wide and weigh approximately three tons.

The strain on the Earth’s resources of increasingly large human bodies is obvious: larger bodies eat more food and drink more essential nutrients such as coffee and alcohol, require larger doses of drugs (or bullets) to sedate or kill them, need bigger cars and houses, use more toilet paper, take up more room and so on.

The answer to the problem is obvious: make human beings smaller!!! 

If, generation by generation, human beings could be genetically engineered to be progressively smaller in size, arriving over time at what is believed to be the ideal size for a human being – roughly four inches in height and five pounds in weight – massive savings will be made on the consumption of the Earth’s resources.

At those ideal dimensions, it has been calculated that the entire population of the planet could live comfortably on the Isle of Wight and be fed by the agricultural output of Angola.

In other words, as the size of human beings shrinks, the world will, from our perspective, seem to grow larger and larger until it corresponds with the relative size of Jupiter. This will give everyone a lot more elbow room.

There would be an added benefit in that labour will be a lot more comfortable for mothers giving birth to children who with each generation are roughly half the size of the previous generation.

This dream has now become achievable with the development of the Lilliput Pill. The pill was extensively tested on elephants at the New York City Zoo and the results of those experiments will be on display to the public as soon as the so-called “Lilliput Elephants” can be coaxed out from under the sofa in the manager’s office.

The new wonder drug, which has to be taken daily from birth until old age or compulsory sterilisation (whichever is the sooner) will soon be tested on humans by making it available on prescription or over the counter at drug stores.

Next year, new laws, democratically added to the statute books when everybody was asleep, will make shrinkage voluntarily mandatory by making consumption of the Lilliput Drug optional for all citizens and those who decline will be gently persuaded to see the error of their ways by being democratically locked up without trial. The government insists that this measure is not undemocratic as it merely weeds out those who disagree with the government, a measure which any person in his right mind and not a terrorist sympathiser must agree with.

Those necessarily exempt for the new compulsory shrinkage will be, among others, the owners of multinational corporations, government officials, the military and the police. All these will be permitted to retain their current size.

It is thus believed that when all other people are four inches or less in height, it will be easier for the forces of law and order to literally stamp out dissent and/or terrorism. And thus save on the cost of bullets.

The only known, mild side effects anyone need not worry about at all - apart from being trodden on by government officials - will be being chased by cats or carried off by starlings.

However to combat such fears, scientists at the Brain-u-Like Institute have announced a solution. They have discovered the existence of a hitherto unknown mental illness called TAD (Tiny Aversion Disorder) and developed a drug which will render anyone carried off by starlings, eaten by voles or mown down by stampeding cockroaches inordinately happy about the whole experience.

Related News

“Human Shrinkage plans do not go far enough,” says controversial group. The UK-based “Miniscule Society”, an extremist offshoot of the AMF, the American Mini-me Federation, today poured scorn on the government’s plans to reduce humans to four inches in height. 

Posting on Facebook just before he was arrested by a nine-hundred-strong force of FBI agents backed up by tanks and surface-to-surface missiles, a spokesperson for the group accused the government of a conspiracy to deny people their inalienable rights to be very tiny indeed. Claiming that if human beings were reduced to the height of one millimetre the entire population of the world could live in a single fallout shelter and consume just one tin of Spam per day . . . ” 

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Genghis Kant: a novel by Steve Cook. Features incredibly alien household appliances and edible musicians. Available in paperback and ebook or injected straight into your brain. Find out more now.