The Daily Scare
Incorporating the Armageddon Monitor
English Language to be Scrapped
English Language to be Scrapped
by Steve Cook
The discovery by psychiatrists of a new mental illness has prompted calls for the entire English language to be scrapped or at least considerably revised on account of it being too sexist.
The discovery by psychiatrists of a new mental illness has prompted calls for the entire English language to be scrapped or at least considerably revised on account of it being too sexist.
Researchers at the Brain -U-Like Institute in London recently discovered that the unabashed sexism of many English words has caused millions of people the world over to be deeply offended and suffer from a depression-like illness known as Politically Incorrect Stress Disorder (PISD). The illness particularly strikes people with nothing else to worry about.
Researchers at the Brain -U-Like Institute in London recently discovered that the unabashed sexism of many English words has caused millions of people the world over to be deeply offended and suffer from a depression-like illness known as Politically Incorrect Stress Disorder (PISD). The illness particularly strikes people with nothing else to worry about.
The Institute’s Director, Dr Wantme Hedexamind, explained that, “the problem reared its head a few years ago when scientists discovered that words ending in “man” were inherently sexist and could cause people to become unhinged. Such words as fireman, milkman, chairman and so forth were accordingly changed to fireperson, milkperson, chairperson etcetera so as to spare millions of people the agony that such evil gives rise to.”
The Institute’s Director, Dr Wantme Hedexamind, explained that, “the problem reared its head a few years ago when scientists discovered that words ending in “man” were inherently sexist and could cause people to become unhinged. Such words as fireman, milkman, chairman and so forth were accordingly changed to fireperson, milkperson, chairperson etcetera so as to spare millions of people the agony that such evil gives rise to.”
Unfortunately, those early efforts not to offend anybody, especially millions of people who were unaware that they had been offended, backfired with the discovery that “person” ends in “son”, which means “male child” and is therefore just as bad as words ending in “man”.
Unfortunately, those early efforts not to offend anybody, especially millions of people who were unaware that they had been offended, backfired with the discovery that “person” ends in “son”, which means “male child” and is therefore just as bad as words ending in “man”.
Therefore, teams of linguists are now working on revising all words ending in “son” so that they end in the gender-neutral “offspring”.
Therefore, teams of linguists are now working on revising all words ending in “son” so that they end in the gender-neutral “offspring”.
Accordingly, “person” now becomes “peroffspring”, season becomes “seaoffspring”, treason becomes “treaoffspring”, collusion becomes “colluoffspring” and so on through about twenty thousand words.
Accordingly, “person” now becomes “peroffspring”, season becomes “seaoffspring”, treason becomes “treaoffspring”, collusion becomes “colluoffspring” and so on through about twenty thousand words.
But it was then discovered that thousands of words begin with “man” which is equally evil and a similar number also end in “man”, such as woman, human etc and “man” is to be replaced with “peroffspring”
But it was then discovered that thousands of words begin with “man” which is equally evil and a similar number also end in “man”, such as woman, human etc and “man” is to be replaced with “peroffspring”
Thus, human becomes “huperoffspring” and woman becomes woperoffspring whilst manage becomes “peroffspringage”, mandate becomes “peroffsopringdate”, manipulate becomes peroffspropingulate” and so on.
Thus, human becomes “huperoffspring” and woman becomes woperoffspring whilst manage becomes “peroffspringage”, mandate becomes “peroffsopringdate”, manipulate becomes peroffspropingulate” and so on.
Once the revisions of the language have been completed, all citizens of the English speaking world (Buckingham Palace) will be required by law to learn all the new words and will be subject to a written test and the new language will become mandatory (peroffsporingdatory).
Once the revisions of the language have been completed, all citizens of the English speaking world (Buckingham Palace) will be required by law to learn all the new words and will be subject to a written test and the new language will become mandatory (peroffsporingdatory).
Failure to speak the new language fluently will from 2025 not be accepted for any reaoffspring, with offenders facing up to three years in prioffspring.
Failure to speak the new language fluently will from 2025 not be accepted for any reaoffspring, with offenders facing up to three years in prioffspring.
That’s enough gibberish for now.
That’s enough gibberish for now.
Related News
Related News
Lingiuists will also be phasing out "ham" at the ends of words as it is offensive to vegans. It will be replaced with "carrot". So Brimingham will become Birmingcarrot, sham will become scarrot, gingham changes to gingcarrot and so on ad nauseam. Buckingham Palace (see above) will be renamed Buckingcarrot Palace.
Lingiuists will also be phasing out "ham" at the ends of words as it is offensive to vegans. It will be replaced with "carrot". So Brimingham will become Birmingcarrot, sham will become scarrot, gingham changes to gingcarrot and so on ad nauseam. Buckingham Palace (see above) will be renamed Buckingcarrot Palace.
British Roof Horse Leads the Way in Eco Friendly Automotive Laundry
British Roof Horse Leads the Way in Eco Friendly Automotive Laundry
by Steve Cook
A British invention is set to revolutionise the concept of the environmentally friendly automobile by harnessing the wind energy generated by a moving vehicle to dry laundry, thus slashing household electricity bills.
A British invention is set to revolutionise the concept of the environmentally friendly automobile by harnessing the wind energy generated by a moving vehicle to dry laundry, thus slashing household electricity bills.
The problem of drying clothes has long been a thorn in the side of people across the civilised world, with tumble- and spin dryers notorious for requiring large amounts of electricity. This of course causes household electricity bills to soar catastrophically.
The problem of drying clothes has long been a thorn in the side of people across the civilised world, with tumble- and spin dryers notorious for requiring large amounts of electricity. This of course causes household electricity bills to soar catastrophically.
Even more worrying is the impact upon climate change of millions of dryers all working flat out every minute of the day. The anxiety has caused millions of people to take antidepressants due to the stress of not knowing what “climate change” means exactly and therefore being thrown into a chronic uncertainty as to whether to panic or not.
Even more worrying is the impact upon climate change of millions of dryers all working flat out every minute of the day. The anxiety has caused millions of people to take antidepressants due to the stress of not knowing what “climate change” means exactly and therefore being thrown into a chronic uncertainty as to whether to panic or not.
Moreover, scientist now believe that the vibrations caused by the aforementioned millions of spin dryers has caused the UK to move half a centimetre closer to America, with experts predicting that at this rate of tectonic shift, the UK will reach Florida in 227 hundred million years. Although this will mean much cheaper transatlantic flights, it may cause problems with Britain’s EU membership if Brexit has not happened by then.
Moreover, scientist now believe that the vibrations caused by the aforementioned millions of spin dryers has caused the UK to move half a centimetre closer to America, with experts predicting that at this rate of tectonic shift, the UK will reach Florida in 227 hundred million years. Although this will mean much cheaper transatlantic flights, it may cause problems with Britain’s EU membership if Brexit has not happened by then.
The British company claims to have solved this problem, enabling people to save on their electricity bills whilst being really nice to the environment.
The British company claims to have solved this problem, enabling people to save on their electricity bills whilst being really nice to the environment.
The company is the car accessory giant Autobits and their invention is a cunning adaptation of the standard car roof rack, the so-called “Roof Horse.” This is a clothes drying rack (see picture) that can be easily fitted to the roof of any standard saloon by any ordinary motorist armed only with an adjustable spanner and an engineering degree.
The company is the car accessory giant Autobits and their invention is a cunning adaptation of the standard car roof rack, the so-called “Roof Horse.” This is a clothes drying rack (see picture) that can be easily fitted to the roof of any standard saloon by any ordinary motorist armed only with an adjustable spanner and an engineering degree.
The roof horse can accommodate even large family washes and comes complete with a set of state-of-the-art clothes pegs. One’s laundry can thus be pegged to the roof rack and as the motorist drives along, the previously wasted energy created by the car’s slipstream will dry the clothes. Thus, one will be able to completely dry one’s clothes even on a short but ecologically efficient drive to the shops and back.
The roof horse can accommodate even large family washes and comes complete with a set of state-of-the-art clothes pegs. One’s laundry can thus be pegged to the roof rack and as the motorist drives along, the previously wasted energy created by the car’s slipstream will dry the clothes. Thus, one will be able to completely dry one’s clothes even on a short but ecologically efficient drive to the shops and back.
Autobits have also designed a larger version that can be fitted on the tops of buses (see picture) thus enabling passengers to dry their laundry for the cost of a cheap bus fare.
Autobits have also designed a larger version that can be fitted on the tops of buses (see picture) thus enabling passengers to dry their laundry for the cost of a cheap bus fare.
For even greater drying efficiency Autobits are also developing a deluxe version of the ingenious Roof Horse based on the revolving clothes line (see picture). The revolving Roof Horse is confidently predicted to slash drying times by as much as 300% over the standard model.
For even greater drying efficiency Autobits are also developing a deluxe version of the ingenious Roof Horse based on the revolving clothes line (see picture). The revolving Roof Horse is confidently predicted to slash drying times by as much as 300% over the standard model.
Car manufacturers have been quick to pounce on the idea, with Nissan for example planning to produce a range of vehicles with the Roof Horse fitted as standard. Based on the 98 bhp (brake horse power) Nissan Almera, the new 27 chp (clothes horse power) Nissan Laundromat will be launched, according to the manufacturers, in 2021 in time for the UN’s Hang Out Your Laundry Day.
Car manufacturers have been quick to pounce on the idea, with Nissan for example planning to produce a range of vehicles with the Roof Horse fitted as standard. Based on the 98 bhp (brake horse power) Nissan Almera, the new 27 chp (clothes horse power) Nissan Laundromat will be launched, according to the manufacturers, in 2021 in time for the UN’s Hang Out Your Laundry Day.
A luxury version of the Nissan Laundromat will feature a sliding sun roof enabling a passenger on the back seat to retrieve the dried laundry whilst the car is still in motion. He (or she, for this is a non-sexist invention) can if he (or she) wishes then iron them on a specially fitted foldaway ironing board cunningly incorporated into the rear of the front seats. The car comes with its own iron, which can be plugged into its cigarette lighter, thus cleverly saving even more time and energy.
A luxury version of the Nissan Laundromat will feature a sliding sun roof enabling a passenger on the back seat to retrieve the dried laundry whilst the car is still in motion. He (or she, for this is a non-sexist invention) can if he (or she) wishes then iron them on a specially fitted foldaway ironing board cunningly incorporated into the rear of the front seats. The car comes with its own iron, which can be plugged into its cigarette lighter, thus cleverly saving even more time and energy.
RELATED NEWS:
RELATED NEWS:
Rover to introduce the Rover Spud 1800 Bootleg, a car that not only runs on alcohol but distils from potatoes its own fuel in the boot.
Rover to introduce the Rover Spud 1800 Bootleg, a car that not only runs on alcohol but distils from potatoes its own fuel in the boot.
Roof Horse standard model
Roof Horse deluxe model
Roof Horse larger model for buses, trams and trains
Roof horse can be neatly slowed when not in use
Astronomers Discover Black Hole Inside the M25
Astronomers Discover Black Hole Inside the M25
by Steve Cook
Scientists at the Jodrell Bank observatory today announced the shock discovery of a Black Hole inside the M25 and believe its epicentre may be the Houses of Parliament.
Scientists at the Jodrell Bank observatory today announced the shock discovery of a Black Hole inside the M25 and believe its epicentre may be the Houses of Parliament.
I interviewed the leader of the team that discovered the phenomenon, Professor John Sputnik (97) and he explained a Black Hole thus, “The theory of general relativity predicts that a sufficiently compact mass can deform spacetime and create a singularity that nothing—not even particles and electromagnetic radiation — can escape from once they cross the singularity’s event horizon.”
I interviewed the leader of the team that discovered the phenomenon, Professor John Sputnik (97) and he explained a Black Hole thus, “The theory of general relativity predicts that a sufficiently compact mass can deform spacetime and create a singularity that nothing—not even particles and electromagnetic radiation — can escape from once they cross the singularity’s event horizon.”
When he saw my eyes had glazed over, Prof Sputnik put it in layman’s terms,
When he saw my eyes had glazed over, Prof Sputnik put it in layman’s terms,
“A black hole is, like, this ruddy great hole in space that sucks everything into it, right? I mean photons, electrons, crayons, condoms, Klingons, even Llamas if they get too close. Everything! Then they kind of go phhhht and sort of vanish.”
“A black hole is, like, this ruddy great hole in space that sucks everything into it, right? I mean photons, electrons, crayons, condoms, Klingons, even Llamas if they get too close. Everything! Then they kind of go phhhht and sort of vanish.”
I could not help but go slightly off topic for a moment; “Hold on a minute,” I said. “Are you trying to tell me that Klingons are real?”
I could not help but go slightly off topic for a moment; “Hold on a minute,” I said. “Are you trying to tell me that Klingons are real?”
The professor looked slightly embarrassed for a moment, like a man who had Said Too Much.
The professor looked slightly embarrassed for a moment, like a man who had Said Too Much.
“Er . . . probably best if we don’t go there old chap. Official Secrets Act and all that. If I explained the Klingon thing to you I’d have to kill you. Well, not me exactly, but somebody would . .. um, so, Black Holes. Universe is full of the ruddy things. As Einstein pointed out, the cosmos has more holes in it than a Swiss cheese or a colander.”
“Er . . . probably best if we don’t go there old chap. Official Secrets Act and all that. If I explained the Klingon thing to you I’d have to kill you. Well, not me exactly, but somebody would . .. um, so, Black Holes. Universe is full of the ruddy things. As Einstein pointed out, the cosmos has more holes in it than a Swiss cheese or a colander.”
“And nothing ever comes out?”
“And nothing ever comes out?”
“Nope. Vanishes like an England football supporter’s hopes at the World Cup finals.”
“Nope. Vanishes like an England football supporter’s hopes at the World Cup finals.”
But then I remembered my schoolboy physics (A Level, failed) and the Law of Conservation of Energy, which apparently can neither be created nor destroyed although how it got here in the first place is anybody’s guess.
But then I remembered my schoolboy physics (A Level, failed) and the Law of Conservation of Energy, which apparently can neither be created nor destroyed although how it got here in the first place is anybody’s guess.
“Things sort of vanish?” I said, “That’s a bit weird isn’t it?”
“Things sort of vanish?” I said, “That’s a bit weird isn’t it?”
“I know, right!?” replied the professor gleefully. “Weird’s an understatement. But that’s the cosmos for you. Ask any physicist and they’ll tell you. Truth is nobody has the foggiest idea of what’s going on. At least that’s the latest theory.”
“I know, right!?” replied the professor gleefully. “Weird’s an understatement. But that’s the cosmos for you. Ask any physicist and they’ll tell you. Truth is nobody has the foggiest idea of what’s going on. At least that’s the latest theory.”
“I see . . . “ I said untruthfully. “So this new Black Hole you discovered at Westminster?”
“I see . . . “ I said untruthfully. “So this new Black Hole you discovered at Westminster?”
“Oh that, yes. We’ve officially named it ‘Brexit 1’, Ironic isn’t it? All this time we’ve been staring into the void for, like, bazillions of light years and finding all kinds of shit and all this time there’s been a black hole sitting there gobbling everything in sight just a few miles down the M40.”
“Oh that, yes. We’ve officially named it ‘Brexit 1’, Ironic isn’t it? All this time we’ve been staring into the void for, like, bazillions of light years and finding all kinds of shit and all this time there’s been a black hole sitting there gobbling everything in sight just a few miles down the M40.”
The Westminster Black Hole, is the first to have been discovered on Earth, although it is now believed there may be many more, with a very large one suspected across the Atlantic in the Constellation of Capitol Hill which is situated in a particularly radioactive corner of the universe known as the Warmongrin Cluster.
The Westminster Black Hole, is the first to have been discovered on Earth, although it is now believed there may be many more, with a very large one suspected across the Atlantic in the Constellation of Capitol Hill which is situated in a particularly radioactive corner of the universe known as the Warmongrin Cluster.
The Westminster Black Hole can be observed without the aid of telescopes or rose-tinted spectacles indiscriminately sucking all manner of particles into it: especially money, pride, credibility, honesty, morals, reputations and common sense.
The Westminster Black Hole can be observed without the aid of telescopes or rose-tinted spectacles indiscriminately sucking all manner of particles into it: especially money, pride, credibility, honesty, morals, reputations and common sense.
Professor Sputnik pointed out that while one school of thought hypothesises that anything captured by a black hole is simply crushed so small it vanishes, another theory is that the black hole is just one end of a worm hole, a tear in the space-time continuum and everything it devours is spewed out again on the other side of the universe.
Professor Sputnik pointed out that while one school of thought hypothesises that anything captured by a black hole is simply crushed so small it vanishes, another theory is that the black hole is just one end of a worm hole, a tear in the space-time continuum and everything it devours is spewed out again on the other side of the universe.
Accordingly, the search is now on for an Earth-like planet somewhere in the universe where, for reasons they can’t quite explain, everybody has lots of money, the national economy is doing real well and politicians are not at all shifty and make sensible decisions such as not killing, drugging or taxing anybody.
Accordingly, the search is now on for an Earth-like planet somewhere in the universe where, for reasons they can’t quite explain, everybody has lots of money, the national economy is doing real well and politicians are not at all shifty and make sensible decisions such as not killing, drugging or taxing anybody.