SHOCK NEWS IN BRIEF

by Steve Cook

Scientists have discovered the primary cause of heart attacks in the 5-95 age group.

Shock revelations from the Klaus Loon Centre for Global Dementia have now exposed the shocking hitherto unknown shocking fact that is bound to . . . er shock millions of people into an extreme bout of a mental illness known to experts as Blind Stupidity (BS).

BS is an often fatal condition in which the sufferer loses the capacity for rational thought and does everything the government tells them to without recognising it is completely daft.

Many traumatic events have been known to induce the levels of shock that trigger BS, such as switching on the BBC, reading newspapers, discovering that Klaud Scwabb is "human" and not an actual muppet, realising George Soros isn't dead despite appearances and so forth.

The latest and perhaps most traumatic event was yesterday's announcement from the Klaus Loon Centre for Global Dementia that its researchers have discovered that the primary cause of heart attacks is not the clocks going forward, shaking the duvet too vigorously or too-tight underpants as previously proven in thousands of scientific press releases.

The centre's chief scientist, Prof Devious O'Charlatan, explained that they have discovered the hitherto completely unexpected primary cause of heart attacks in British Citizens is the stress brought on by being unable to develop herd immunity to the incumbent government.

Exposure is believed to occur when one comes close to the source of infection, such as being in the same country, where one is likely to fall foul of the media-borne Poly-Ticks virus.

It is believed that proximity to the government may already have killed millions of people whose deaths were blamed on something else entirely (such as God).

Researchers are now desperately seeking an antidote and are hopeful it will come in the form of a new political party run by sensible people, although some worry that this may prove impossible.

ADVERTISEMENT