UK Government has Immigration Problem Solved, say Government Experts
Top secret experts who cannot be named for security reasons today announced that the government has taken bold steps to resolve the immigration problem once and for all.
Immigration has as you know considerably upset a lot of people, especially those forced through no fault of their own, to try to live here.
A spokesperson for the Ministry of Refugees said this morning that the latest moves by the newly-elected government have come in the nick of time as luxury hotels the length and breadth of the country have run out of spare beds and caviar, a grim scenario that has unfairly deprived posh people everywhere of basic luxuries.
Lemming Flu pandemic – world braced for widespread brain atrophy
MILLIONS MAY SUFFER FROM THE NEW DISEASE THEY'VE SEEN ADVERTISED.
It is well known that the world’s worst epidemics are those named after animals. Thus, in recent years we have had the airborne bird flu and swine flu, which were notorious for slaughtering more than a hundred people the world over. They were of course not merely epidemics but pandemics and it is a scientific fact that any demic beginning with pan is a whole lot more scary than ones merely beginning with epi.
Lots more hysterical journalism here Looking forward to being famous after I'm dead
Fears mount as stupidity threat escalates amid terror, shock
Tests reveal thousands across the country may be dim
News just in is that the government is seriously concerned about top secret "eyes-only"advice from its top secret experts that idiocy may be set for a sharp rise - the so-called THICKID19 Second Wave (or Tsunami).
The cause of the vaguely threatening stupidity pandemic is known to be, according to "guessperts" at the NCCJ (National Centre for Conclusion Jumping) a hitherto undiscovered virus that recently escaped from a London-based Stupid Research Lab and made everybody in Westminster quite thick.
Scientists discover 62% of Brits were born yesterday
Claim backed by irrefutable statistics says Ministry of Whoppers
News is just coming in that scientists believe the majority of Brits were born yesterday and those who weren't are mentally ill or at least can be considered as such. The shock discovery proves that the government was right all along as it has been treating voters as if they were born yesterday for years. Examples of this include promises of economic recovery through the shutting down of industry, handing the nation's sovereignty to the WHO and installing millions of potholes in the nation's roads and blaming it on climate change.
The Masked Sheep
The latest movie by Bulgarian film maker Salazaar Bim (The DaVinci Covid, The Mediatrix, The Man Who Lost His Sandwich) is to be released on Brainflix this Summer. Bim's latest blockbuster is loosely based on the Drivel Comics “masked villain/superhero” theme. Drivel (recently taken over by Sunak and Hunt’s Lie Factory Productions, motto: “why bother when you can fib?”) plan to release the movie next month under an exclusive deal with Brainflix, the straight-to-your-brain subliminal implant app that allows you to bypass consciousness and watch movies in your sleep.
Nation Braces for BS epidemic after shock revelations from the Klaus Loon Centre for Global Dementia
Scientists have discovered the primary cause of heart attacks in the 5-95 age group. Shock revelations from the Klaus Loon Centre for Global Dementia have now exposed the shocking hitherto unknown shocking fact that is bound to . . . er shock millions of people into an extreme bout of a mental illness known to experts as Blind Stupidity (BS). BS is an often fatal condition in which the sufferer loses the capacity for . . . .
Scientists have discovered that Covid19 wiped out the dinosaurs
The shock news today is that Covid 19 has been renamed by some secret WHO scientists working in a lab beneath Bill Gates. It will henceforth be referred to as the Stealth Virus because it makes millions of people ill without their even realising they are ill and fools them into thinking it is not at all deadly by not killing them (or making them ill). And this places them in the very real danger of recovering without ever knowing they were sick!
Global Temperatures have nothing to do with the Sun, scientists reveal
Climate Change Industry releases shock new findings that pin the blame on human existence
UK Government to Clamp Down on Layabouts and Scroungers
Rewarding people for not working by giving them lots of money may not be a good idea after all, shock
Government Announces Ban on Speaking Welsh to halt the spread of media-borne infection
A spokesperson for the Ministry of Hysteria, Jane Fibbs, this morning announced to a hushed and cynical press gathering in which dozens of top journalists pretended to listen, a "Titanic of urgently-needed reforms" designed to halt the spread of Covid19 infection and other media-borne diseases.
The Nation rejoices as Government announces new strategy for getting chemicals into children
Exciting breaking news from the Eugenics Industry is that The UK's Chief Mortality Officer, Dr Timothy Leary (no relation), has scientifically discovered a new . . . er, scientific way to get more chemicals into your children!
Read the horrifying story here - but prepare to be appalled!!
BREAKING NEWS from the DAILY SCARE
Government to ban Brussels Sprouts
Latest move will save the planet says Ministry of Vegetables
and other Greenhouse Beverages to Save the Planet
Unearthed document reveals medieval alarm over "Ye horrific Warming of ye Planet"
97% of soothsayers agree that "ye apocalypse climatic be upon us"
Here is an interesting quote from an historical document that dates from the Middle Ages – more precisely, right in the middle of what we now know as the Medieval Warm Period (roughly AD 950 to 1300).. . . . . The document, found during excavations of a timber-framed whore house in Ashton-Under-Water, is entitled “Ye Olde Nutter’s Almanac”. The snippet given here provides us with an insight into the alarm occasioned by the phenomenon known at the time as “Ye Horrific Warming of ye Planet”.
Scientists Have Discovered that Nobody Knows What's Going On
Top Experts Prove that Universe is Weird
Five hundred of the world's top scientists assembled in Geneva last week in a last-ditch effort to achieve a breakthrough in the search for the scientific Holy Grail known, in layman's terms, as "finding out what is going on".
It is a goal that has inspired centuries of research by some of the planet's greatest minds and original thinkers such as Diogenes, Robert Oppenheimer and Al Gore but which has yet to produce the hoped-for breakthrough in human understanding. Read more>>
Miracle Drug Solves Everything
The need to worry (or panic) is overY
Genetic scientists announced today that they have solved all the world’s problems. The shock news was released this morning by Secretary of State for Mutant Affairs and Extinction Management, Jane Fibbs, as she triumphantly addressed the world via subliminal messages democratically imbedded into popular TV programs such as Rishi Sunak’s Cabinet Nightmares and Spot the Celebrity Brain.
Athlete's Foot may cause strokes/heart attacks say top secret scientists.
A shock new discovery has emerged from thousands of painstaking scientific press releasesvthat may alleviate the current several-hours-long shortage of things to be terrified about that has terrorised Britain, whilst adding to the growing mountain of evidence that the world is run by extremely rich mental patients. The discovery was announced this morning by the Ministry of Hysteria in the form of a 150 word report that goes into scant detail about the newly-discovered link between Athlete's Foot and heart attacks and strokes.
Dinosaurs May Have Worn Hats, Scientists Believe
Study Results in Shock New Discovery about Life in the Jurassic
A recent re-examination of prehistoric fossils by scientists at the Natural History Museum in Neasden has resulted in discoveries that have shaken the scientific world to its core. The very latest micro-imaging technology and algorithms that enable researchers to painstakingly sift fact from fiction have facilitated a minutely close scrutiny of hundreds of fossils from the Jurassic Period.
Government announces ban on speaking Welsh to halt the spread of media-borne infection
A spokesperson for the Ministry of Hysteria, Jane Fibbs, this morning announced to a hushed and cynical press gathering in which dozens of top journalists pretended to listen, the following measures designed to halt the spread of Covid19 infection and other media-borne diseases. Read more »
Vaccines haven't killed anybody important, the nation rejoices!
The government, its pharmaceutical industry overlords and similar eugenics cartels are today breathing a sigh of relief at the news that Covid vaccines have not killed anybody important. Latest top-secret research, due to be released some time after the end of the century, is reported to show that whilst vaccinated plebs are dropping like flies in vast numbers, elite sectors of society such as billionaires, politicians, warmongers, journalists, members of elite clubs such as Save The Aged Oligarch and Friends of Jeffrey Epstein and similar Top People have for mysterious reasons that have baffled officialdom, been spared the carnage. Read more »
Government to ban beer and other greenhouse beverages to save the planet
Experts have discovered that efforts to save the environment from the weather and other threats have not gone far enough in so far as the air still has carbon dioxide in it and people have been inexplicably reluctant to adopt the highly recommended Stone Age lifestyle that rejects the evils of civilization in favour of lives that are less harmful to the planet by virtue of being much shorter. Read more »
British scientists discover pothole virus
For many months people have blamed the epidemic of potholes, craters and fissures that have suddenly and embarrassingly turned British Roads into the battlefield of the Somme circa 1914 on gormless or corrupt local councils negligently chucking taxpayers' millions at inept cowboys posing unconvincingly as highway engineers whilst being manifestly clueless as to how to actually build or repair a road. But it now appears that the state of British roads has nothing to do with irresponsible councils or cowboy "engineers" taking them for a ride (pardon the pun) but a hitherto undiscovered variant of the Covid 19. Yes, indeed! Read more »
Lots more hysterical journalism here
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