UK Government has Immigration Problem Solved, say Government Experts

by Steve Cook

Top secret experts who  cannot be named for security reasons today announced that the government has taken bold steps to resolve the immigration problem once and for all.

Immigration has as you know considerably upset a lot of people, especially those forced through no fault of their own, to try to live  here.

A spokesperson for the  Ministry of Refugees said this morning that the latest moves by the newly-elected government have come in the nick of  time as luxury hotels the length and breadth of  the country have run out of  spare beds and caviar, a grim scenario that has unfairly deprived posh people everywhere of basic luxuries.

Whilst this news may be dire for the Immigration Industry, which relies on fresh supplies of boat people equipped with state-of-the-art life jackets, dinghies and forged documents to stay afloat, it does mean a sharp drop in payouts of benefits to people forced to break the law in order to live here illegally.

Unless the government can come up with a fresh initiative for wasting taxpayers' money, such as financing blowing up more foreigners,  it will  comprise a considerable saving at  a time when the government was about to run out of money it didn't have and was going to have borrow money to get  out of debt. And this nightmare scenario is of course bad news for the banking sector.

The latest dedicated efforts by the government to halt immigration once and for all may even reverse it, with millions of Brits and other spongers and troublemakers taking to small boats and risking life and limb to seek opportunities of a better life in havens such as Libya and Haiti.

It had been previously suggested by  tax payers and other terrorist  groups that the government should stop plundering, wrecking and setting fire to other people's countries. This proposal  is not as outrageous as it sounds because people sometimes get tired of being run over by tanks or having high explosives dropped on them even though as everybody knows this is all their own fault for deliberately having homes in areas earmarked for demolition. This has forced them to run away and seek safety in Europe from whence they can be quietly moved on and shepherded in the direction of the UK.

But the Minister for Overseas Demolition has been quick to point out that there is no room in His Majesty's government for that particular kind of extremism, as it would ultimately result in bankrupting the arms industry, which is the only industry we have left after all the others were shut down.

Consequently, a better solution than not blowing people up was sought and the government has saved the day with what has been described by the government as a masterstroke of creative governance.

The strategy has required a great deal of creative effort, especially lying, and a steadfast refusal to resort to sound economics to pull it off but the government has now been able to announce success in the drive to make the country so  poor no-one will want to live here.